HOW TO PICK UP CHICKS... MY WAY

9 out of 10 Single men in the world are searching for a holy grail. I’m not talking about the real holy grail. Indiana Jones clearly has that one covered. I’m talking about the quest for some good lookin’ wool. (… Ok for the last time –No–. “Good looking wool” has nothing to do with sheep. Honestly, am I the only one who has seen “The Money Pit”? )

Anyway, I’m here to help- For some of us the ideal girl actually exists somewhere on the planet earth. Fortunately for you I have discovered how to find her using simple algebra.

(WP+RP) D – TTD
------------------- =GOOD
(L+EC) BCDF

For those who aren’t math whiz’s like me, I will spell it out for you:

(WP) Waiting patiently, plus (RP) rippling pectorals, multiplied by (D) dating, minus (TTD) Tendencies toward douchebaggery, divided by (L) luck plus (EC) extreme charm, times (BCDF) brightly colored dorsal feathers (Hey, that's a proven fact! PBS doesn’t lie people.) equals (GOOD) girl of one’s dreams. It’s really very simple.

Sadly, it has recently come to my attention that not everyone can plug themselves into the above equation. Those of us with slightly less main-stream pectorals are forced to take an remedial make-up test involving a single story problem of ridiculous length and complexity.

Here is an excerpt from page 7:

Page 7 paragraph 3: A train traveling 187 ½ miles per hour is heading east down a train track made of macaroni against a head wind that smells of berries and mint.
Another train traveling backwards exactly as fast as half the atomic number of cheese; divided by the exact number of acceptable defective products contained in a 550lb box of 30-weight ball bearings.

How many of the macaronis could you and your friends eat before the trains collide killing you all in a fiery mass of metal and mayhem? How many of you are likely to survive this encounter?

Page 7 paragraph 4: The survivors of the macaroni train accident want to travel to an ice cream store using an air gun, a chest of pirate booty, and a tightrope…

I’ll stop there.

Actually, to be honest, this whole thought process began when I found myself browsing through a bunch of tee shirts designed for proud female geeks (My own personal unicorn) and wondering if I will ever be able to buy one of them as a gift for a girrrl. Where are you my geeky GF? I’ve searched all the neighboring basements and your stealthy ninja skills appear to be impenetrable to my atrophied eyes!




P.S.: …No I am not creepy for browsing the lady shirt section. I happen to like visiting a site called Think Geek and they happen to feature several tee shirts for women.

Am I creepy for wanting to see what said shirts say?

Shoot. I’m creepy aren’t I?

*sigh*