A Bathroom Rant

What you are about to read is a bathroom rant. The subject has been done to death, so you’re welcome to skip this one if you are already aware of the sad state of affairs in most men’s rooms today.

When it comes to men’s room etiquette most guys will follow a code of sorts. There are a lot of unwritten nuances, but it can be summed up in one phrase “Don’t bother me.” As long as all of the guys in your particular men’s room maintain this attitude everything goes swimmingly. However there’s some who have yet to grasp the concept and they manage to throw the entire system into the crapper (so to speak) I address these comments to the bathroom etiquette violator:

First of all - a nod is the only acceptable method of communication between acquaintances while in a men’s room. Talking is for places that don’t smell like someone else’s poop. If you ask me a question before first exiting the restroom I will not be happy with you.

If I am using a urinal, stay the crap away from me. Nobody wants to have someone sidle up to them while they take a whiz. If you do not leave a buffer urinal between us you will be labeled as suspicious for life; and yes, I will tell people about you. (If the urinals are full and the buffer urinal is the only available option, be a man and wait 15 seconds.)

The shorty urinal is for our friends in wheelchairs and maybe leprechauns. You will look awkward and stupid if you use it unless you fall into either of these two categories. (If you find yourself needing to take 2 steps back and make a rainbow shaped stream in order to use the regular urinals, you are probably a leprechaun.) … (If you’re reading this, you are welcome make your own observations about pots of gold. I choose not to go there in this post.)

Wash your hands. (Yeah I’m going to need to spend some time on this one)

When I say “wash your hands” I mean actually wash… your…hands. No joke ladies, some guys actually go as far as to turn the water on and back off again without actually getting their hands wet. What are we 6 years old? You didn’t fool your mother then, and you’re not fooling anybody now! I can only suppose that this is to give the appearance of being sanitary without actually being forced to wash the germs off. Maybe I’m being too judgmental. Maybe they made friends with the germs… No it’s disgusting. Wash your hands.

There are even a few people who go the extra mile with their hand washing theatrics. They just run their hands quickly under the water for a fraction of a second. I have even more contempt for these people. Honestly! How much more effort does it take to hit the soap dispenser and rub your hands together for a few seconds?

Then there’s a disturbing amount of people who seem to believe that peeing does not justify a wash. Your hand was on your bits! Wash it off!

There are some who subscribe the theory that the bathroom is the place to rid yourself of gas. This one is difficult because the bathroom really is preferable to a public place for that sort of activity, If you have gas, the most polite place to take care of it is the restroom. However, this does not give you a blanket license to terrorize the people who may be in the bathroom with you. By terrorize I mean going out of your way to impersonate foghorn and then making any sort of sighing or relieved noises.

Actually, let me pause here and say that it is never EVER ok to make any noises that could in any way be interpreted as expressions of pleasure or relief while within the confines of a public restroom. The LAST thing that anyone wants to hear while sharing the john with you is your happy noises. It’s incredibly creepy. Don’t do it!

Bathrooms are not for catching up on the news. Don’t nab the newspaper as you pass the break room on your way to the bathroom. Take care of things and get out of there. Oh and please, please, for the love of all that is holy, do not put the paper back into the break room when you are finished with it!

The men’s room is not for food! EVER! If you have a plate of food from the company barbecue do not carry it with you into the bathroom! Nobody wants your nasty plate of food. I promise that it won’t get stolen. Leave it outside the door! I hope you get hepatitis. You know who you are.

That is all.